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Wednesday, January 1st, 2020
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12:00 am - Friends Only
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| Saturday, August 4th, 2007
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8:18 pm - Politicians like their voters poor and un-armed
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I, sadly, am one of those people that, when I start to make comments about politics or other things of that nature, I will unbeknown to myself, become an extreme elitist bigot. That is something I am working very hard to avoid. So please bear with me as I write some commentary about a post that someone on my friends list wrote.
The gist of what they posted was on the track of, concerning the "War on Terror", that we should be steadfast because of the lives and money invested in our victory. This was, as I understand it -- please correct me if Im wrong -- a response to a friend's post which was something of the opposite note.
( This might be a big one )
That was long post.
goodnight.
current mood:  mellow
current music: Limp Bizkit
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| Monday, July 30th, 2007
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10:47 pm
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Plans for me have changed lately. Ive had to accept a lot of self-humiliation in the past week or so. Its nothing that anyone I know would have noticed. I keep things like that pretty well hidden. Most of what I had to level with myself on had to do with me not being the person that I want to be, or think I should be. Now, Ive visited this many times with myself and its not been that big of a deal. I mean, everyone has things about themselves they want to change, or maybe are already in the process of changing. My problem what that I was not accepting the responsibility to change them. I was just sitting there. Doing nothing. While nothing changed, then getting mad when the results werent what I wanted. Ive learned in the last week something that Ive told many of my friends in the past: you have to be your own self-starter. You cant just sit around expecting things to happen on their own or for someone else to accomplish what you want and then give you all the glory. This is something that I, knowing myself, will try to reject soon, but I hope that even when I rebel against the way the world works, as I do normally, a little piece of this will stick with me, and Ill end up a better person for it. For myself.
There are a lot of things that have been bothering me lately. One of those is that the next year of my life will be different than what I initially expected it to be. I had planned on moving in the next month or two, but because of certain circumstances -- and a lot to do with my own decisions -- I will be staying here for a bit longer than expected. This will be interesting. I think the biggest decision that comes along with that will potentially be going back to school. Yes the idea has crossed my mind. Here is the scenario: I am on academic probation from two years ago, because I did not give half a care about the classes I was taking. I am worried that this will follow me to the grave, so that in a few years -- according to my initial plan -- ewhen I tried to enroll in a different school far far away from here, probation and a horrible GPA would pop up out of nowhere and stab me in the face. This is a sincere worry of mine. Therefore, to my understanding, it would be a good idea to get into the school that I am on probation with, raise my GPA throughout this year, then be eligible to transfer next year given the opportunity.
Another problem that I now face since I will not be moving is one that Ive been trying to plot for a while now: getting out of my current job. Yes, the age old dilemma. The problem is that my job isnt all that bad. I get paid handsomely. I have life- and health-insurance, eye and dental, plenty of benefits. And did I mention I get paid handsomely? Yes, I do. Compared to what I do, the salary is almost obscene. I work in a prison. I work for a company that operates the commissary in a prison. I am pretty much a cashier and a stock boy. Now, given, I do have to deal with convicts 6 days of a regular work week. There is a risk factor there, its both agreed upon and understood when you take the job. The thing is though, really theres not all that much to that, even. Just watch your back, remember where you are. Ive been able to put up money quick with this job. Its a good one. The entire problem is that I do not want this job. I want the salary, of course. I want the minimum responsibility, no doubt. But I do not want this job, and I do not want it for a career. I do not want, in twenty years, to be consistently referred to as 'Commissary Mike'. That is not my goal or desire in life, and I am way too young to allow timidness and insecurity to snuff me out of my own future. The only problem is that I have a tremendously handsome paycheck, no degree or mentionable trade skills, and in this area of the country, Im not getting much better than what I got now. I refuse to quit my current job for any salary that is not at least relatively close to mine. This is a big deal, because for my future plans, I will need money, and like I said, I have really been able to put up in the past few months thanks to my salary. Enter the complications: part of me is afraid of moving to another job. So far I have not stayed with any employer for more than a year (actually, if Im able to finish out august with the job Im with now -- which shouldnt be a problem at all -- Ill have finished my first full year for a business), and I certainly dont want that reputation on my job history. I mean, thats practically 'heres my resume, Ill be quitting in a year'. Not the impression Im shooting for.
Another things thats been bothering me lately -- well, id like to say its sexual frustration. Id love to say that abstinence is driving me mad, and that lust for rampant post-teen sexuality is turning me into a monster. Id like to blame it on that, no doubt, and rest assured there are times. The thing is, thats not the problem. In short -- and maybe one day I will make a post about this -- I dont put much stock into sex. I mean, okay, its a good idea, but my philosophy is that there are much more important things to chase than that, and any healthy relationship between two able bodied people will eventually produce love-making. Finding sex isnt my problem, or my pre-occupation. The thing that is driving me crazy as of late is loneliness.
Now, I dont make a big deal about being single. I do make the point that I like it. I like it mostly. But there are times, increasingly as of late, that I just feel alone, entirely. Now I know that if I ever really had a problem with being the only person in a room, I have some good friends that would show up and wed have a good time. Thats not really what I mean, and I think everyone knows it. Theres a sense of belonging inside of you that having another person, and only that other person, fills. This is an on-going thing, so just bear with me.
Oh god its been so long since I updated. That is stupid, to wait so long to updat. Im sorry also that this was entirely lack-luster in entertaining or mentally-stimulating content. Maybe next time suckers.
goodnight, and goodluck.
current mood: mellow
current music: Finger 11 - "One Thing"
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, July 16th, 2007
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9:41 pm - Feeling Lame
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Five minutes ago was the last time I stopped an update because what I was typing got erased. That annoys me to now end, because there is supposed to be an 'auto-save' feature to LJ now, and what does it do? Instead of recording the last five paragraphs that I wrote, it overlooks that and loads the two sentences that I was planning on writing a month ago. That is ridiculous.
Anyway, the post I was writing - you didnt miss much. Basically just my complaining about not having anything interesting to write about. Well, Im sure I could think of something, and the real problem is that I dont want to.
I really want to start using this blog a lot more though. I remember when I used to update all the time, I felt like I could express myself much better, both in writing and verbally, when I blogged normally. Now, when someone asks me how I feel about something Im like 'uhh, really, I really dont think uhh, that maybe that shouldnt be an option or something, like that?'. Seriously, I end statements with questions and everything. Why?
I feel recently that, wholly, as a intellectual and as a social being, Ive been on the decline. I dont know. I think that what Im actually experiencing is the feeling of getting lethargic. I havent ran or lifted in at least a month, if not longer. I know that Ive put on some weight - a significant bit - and I havent been eating well either. Im in the beginning steps of changing that. I guess. My biggest fear there is that Ill abandon it halfway - like Ive done so many times before - and then get mad and depressed about it and not try until a few months later, when Ive put on another 10 pound and have been eating Taco Bell everynight for the past two weeks. I just feel so uncomfortable anymore, around everyone. Just a little left of awkward, like there something I should be doing that I dont know about, but everyone else is kind of watching me screw up, and I can tell, so no one says anything and we all just sit around and stare at each other.
I really wish I had something to talk about. Like, something to think about, something to comment on, something to laugh at. Not because I wish I could please people and make them want to read what I write - though, really, that is nice to accomplish now and again - but basically because I hate when people just post stupid stuff like 'oh, well my day was fun, I went over here, and took a dump, then went over there and ate some pie, and then later me and a friend did some things, then I came home and did some more stuff then I went to sleep'. Those are no-contest the stupid updates, and the most painful - ever - to read.
So I think Im done. Goodnight.
current mood:  hot
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